EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn’t he British?
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. We get the absurdity of a puppet and the entertainment of a puppet throwing insults at Trump.
It’s Vermin Supreme’s moment
Conan O’brien
Conan O’Biden
Okay okay hear me out.
Megatron.
Only is Starscream gets to be the VP
He is a revolutionary…
Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.
Let’s not pin cult leaders against each other now
Cult problems require cult solutions
I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn’t even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.
I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.
He’s also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It’s the reason he doesn’t curse in his songs. He’s a good clean, Christian boy!
Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.
…with Vice President… hang on I’m having trouble reading this… Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??
People would just point out that the whole thing is Al generated though.
If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.
Weird Al - Al Generated
I really, really want to see Jordan Klepper debate with interview Trump and not hold back at all.
There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.
John Browns Body.
I think we would be better off with any rotting corpse over Trump, but old John at least fought for something good once
a masterclass trash talker. And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw.
That’s an interesting point, I was actually kind of annoyed that Biden was insulting Trump as I saw it as stooping to his level, but your comment on that does make it seem like a valid strategy.
I don’t think he could win, but for a laugh I’d love to see Hunter Biden replace Joe lol convicted felon vs convicted felon!
Joe Biden is way too classy to really insult him. I felt like he was just being honest about who Trump is and what he has done. If it’s insulting, it’s Trumps fault for that being who he really is.
Like, there’s reports Trump actually did shit himself during the debate (Sorry about the link to X, can’t find it elsewhere). Joe Biden is way too classy to call Trump out for such a thing.
I agree, though! Hunter is just done even trying to have any semblance of reasonableness or classiness with the right wingers, so he’d probably be like “Okay, fuck this, let’s get dirty.”
Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.
While I think Jon Stewart would make a better president than either of those jackasses, that would be such a cruel thing to do to such a good person.
I don’t know that I want Jon Stewart as a POTUS, I just want him one on one with Trump and Trump isn’t allowed to leave or call off the debate. Jon Stewart is what the Founding Fathers meant the press to be. They wanted the press to be a 4th check on government outside the separation of powers and not a mouthpieces of the government.
I can almost hear Bill going “ohhh, shut the fuck up, ya fat ahrange piece a’ shit!”
Frank fucking Zappa… were he not dead. Even dead he’s a better choice.
JohnStewartEdit: Sorry I meant his brother, Jon Stewart
Stewart/Colbert ticket would absolutely rock his orange ass off.
With Presidential Cabinet members Steve Carrell, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Klepper and Lewis Fucking Black.
Lewis fucking Black as Secretary of Defense!
I like Lewis, but he might be a little too angry to be in charge of missiles.
I don’t think he’s angry enough. Cowboy Regan scared the shit out of everyone…Black would Make Everyone But America Shit Again (black trucker cap with MEBASA)
I’m not sure that more loose cannons is the solution to the number we have now. I suppose if he was on a tight leash they could always threaten people to smarten up or they won’t hold him back.
For many years I’ve wanted to see that. It would be absolutely unstoppable.
Jon Stewart for president with someone central to Biden’s cabinet who actually knows about politics and the stuff Biden was doing, as VP, to be able to give him on the job training on the actual politics part to match his sharpness level and his heart
I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
At this point I’d take either the superhero or the comedian
Fixed
I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
Not wanting the job is a good thing. That’s how it should be…
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it’s time!
Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.
Just Stewart.
